


Lord of the Hetalia

by MudaMuda



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Communism, Crack Crossover, Dark!America, Gen, Lord of the Flies AU, Parody, i guess I made it a thing, if that's even a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 13:41:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13365909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MudaMuda/pseuds/MudaMuda
Summary: America took out his gun and brandished it.“I swear to god, if one more person calls me fat, I’m lighting up everyone on this island.”





	Lord of the Hetalia

**Author's Note:**

> Making Lord of the FliesxHetalia fanfic is actually not the biggest mistake I've ever made.

One balmy afternoon in the middle of World War Two, the Allies were flying a plane across the Pacific. More specifically, America was flying the plane.

“Watch me do this cool trick,” said America, seconds before wrenching the controls to the side and sending the plane into a barrel roll.

Despite the shrieks of terror and loud swearing from the other Allies, he kept barrel-rolling. He didn't see the palm tree until the fronds got jammed in his propellers and the plane went into a nosedive.

He crashed into a beach and the plane exploded, but none of the Allies died because they’re immortal.

“Whoops,” said America, prompting co-pilot England to wrap his hands around his neck and choke him with all the strength in his little man-fingers.

 

When the allies emerged from the smoking heap of plane, they looked around and saw they were totally alone on an island.

“How funny,” England said. “Despite my overwhelming anger at America, this island reminds me of the good old days. A vast land; new, uncharted territory to conquer-- I mean, explore. We ought to make a civilization.”

“There are only 5 of us, dude,” said America, breaking his weird colonialist fantasy. “We can’t make a civilization with 5 guys.”

“That doesn't matter! We need some sort of order.”

“Let’s _not_ do what England says,” said France.

“First of all, France, shut up,” said England. “And second, if we have a leader, we’ll all get along. Honestly, we _need_ a leader, with you buffoons.”

“I’ll be the leader!” said America. “But you guys already knew that.”

“I have objection,” said Russia.

“Same,” said China. “I have no desire to do this democratically. We should draw straws.”

“You guys are lame,” said America.

 

They drew straws, and the leaders ended up being Canada and Russia through sheer luck.

“Ohhhhhh no,” said America. “I’m not taking orders from commie the snowman and that other guy.”

“I’m Canada!” said Canada, who had been among the allies all along, unnoticed. “How can you not know me? I live just north of--”

“Anyway, I’m not following Russia, so I guess that leaves other guy,” said America.

“You will follow me or you will die!” said Russia.

“Whatever,” said America.

“Now that that’s done,” said England, clearing his throat, “as much as I’d like to colonize this island, America’s right, I can’t very well do it with 5 men. We should build a signal fire at the top of this island so someone can rescue us.”

“We should also set some rules,” said Canada.

Russia clasped his hands together and smiled.

“I like rules. Having rules means having punishment for those who break them!”

England ignored this remark. “France, you start the fire.”

France stopped filing his nails in order to make a disgusted groan. “Why me?”

“Because you're annoying and I think it would be funny to make you tredge through the jungle to get to the top of the island. In the meantime--”

“As leader, I am ordering everyone to hunt pigs for meat!” said Russia.

Canada raised his hand hesitantly. “Uhm… maybe we should make shelter first…”

But at Russia’s suggestion, the other Allies perked up. Especially America, despite being totally against Russia a whole twenty seconds ago.

“Meat! Meat! Meat!” he started chanting. “I want a barbeque!”

“You are coming too, China?” said Russia.

“If I have to,” said China.

Canada wrung his hands. “The sun’s going down and we need to build shelter! Gather supplies! Or even explore the island first before running into an unknown jungle. Isn’t anyone listening to me?”

“Oh, let them have their juvenile fun,” said England, clapping him on the shoulder.  “I’m not going to take part, however. I’d much rather strip naked and take a swim in the ocean.”

France cracked his neck around a full 180 degrees upon hearing that.

“I will join you.”

“You're supposed to be building a fire, frog.”

\------

_In the jungle_

 

Russia wiped the back of his arm across his brow. The humidity was brutal, but he kept his precious scarf on. His long strides kept him at the front of the trio, even though America kept trying to outpace him. China hung back, panting and sweating. His joints creaked with every step, and he cursed his old age every 3 feet or so.

“Stop going so fast,” complained China, smacking a tree branch out of his way. “And why are we looking for pigs? There are lots of other animals I can cook. Like that snake. Or that rat. Or that spider. Or--”

“Yeah, ew,” said America. “I don’t want your freaky chinese food.”

“And I don’t want to stand downwind smelling your hamburger grease.”

“Bro, literally all you do is complain. You’re like England 2.0, except chinese.”

“How could you!? Being compared to England is the highest insult!”

“Haha, I guess it kinda is, dude…”

As they argued, Russia smiled.

“This is so wonderful that I can spend time with all my friends,” he said. “Except America.”

“I’m not your friend either,” said China.

Russia gasped. “What was that, comrade Китай?”

“I _said--_ ”

“Hey dudes! Shut your shit for a second!” exclaimed America, stopping in his tracks and pointing past Russia to a hog rooting around in the dirt. “Does that look like a pig to you guys?”

“No, but you do,” said China.

“Low-hanging fruit, Yao,” said America.

“We hiked this far, hurry and kill it,” said China.

“Go on, America,” said Russia. “Hurry before it charges and rips open your pudgy stomach with its tusks.”

“Oh, you did _not_ just call me fat,” said America, turning on Russia.

“I did!” said Russia. “You must be less of idiot than you look, to understand that.”

“You piece of shit...” said America.

“ _Aiyah_ , I’ll kill it myself,” said China, pulling out a gun.

America squished his stomach self-consciously.

“Shoot it, shoot it!” said Russia, jumping up and down and clapping.

“This one too? _”_ asked China, pointing the gun at America.

“Stop calling me fat!” shouted America, startling the actual pig. It got scared and ran away from the source of the yelling.

“America, you silly fool!” exclaimed Russia. “Now we have no meat!”

“Yeah, well, screw you guys. I-I don't even want food anymore. Heroes can survive for days without food. I’m going back to the beach,” said America.

As he left, his stomach could be heard rumbling all the way down the mountain.

\-------

By the time night fell, there were no shelters built because everyone had been too lazy to bother, so the Allies slept on the beach around a campfire.

America’s attention was caught by a dark figure swaying in the jungle. He sat up, shivering.

“You… you guys see that, right?” he whispered.

“I have been seeing lots of things,” said Russia.

“Yeah, but I mean, like… creepy things? Like… the temperature suddenly dropping… and feeling like you’re being watched?”

“ _Da,”_ said Russia in a low tone, casting a shifty glance from side to side. “Like cold breath of American spy on back of neck.”

“You two are so dramatic,” said England. “And America, we haven’t been on this island half a day; there’s no way you’re already hallucinating from hunger.”

America stood up. “I-it’s not hunger! It’s the supernatural! I’m gonna go check it out.”

“I thought you were afraid of ghosts,” said England.

“I-I ain’t afraid of no damn ghosts!” shouted America, running full speed into the jungle.

“That… wasn’t a challenge…” said England.

\------

America walked through the jungle extremely loudly, breaking branches every time he took a step. Because loud noises are supposed to scare away ghosts. Instead, the noise seemed to draw the ghost to him.

In the distance, he thought he saw the shadowy figure from earlier approaching.

America fumbled for his gun, even though he knew he couldn’t shoot a ghost. That was what made ghosts scary… But ghosts weren’t _actually_ real. Totally not. Were they?

"H-hello?" he called to the figure.

“Oh! Hello, America. Nice night for a walk, eh?” responded the ghost, waving to him. “Aboot time you showed up. I went scouting, and this island’s only five kilometers around, and there’s a nice little spring down on the other side, where we can get fresh water--”

“Y-you’re not real!!!” shrieked America, pointing at the ghost.

“You hoser,” muttered Canada. But America had already turned and fled.

He burst back out of the jungle screaming about ghosts, which thoroughly jump-scared the other Allies.

“It’s the ghost!” shouted France. England and China screamed in unison with him.

Russia pulled a submachine gun out from under his coat and unloaded an entire magazine at America, who had to leap back into the foliage to avoid getting shot.

“Dudes! Calm down! It’s me!”

The others slowly recovered. England clutched his chest.

“Bloody hell! Russia could have accidentally shot you to death!”

“ _Nyet._ Would not be accident,” said Russia cheerfully, lowering the muzzle of his smoking gun.

England rubbed his temples.

\------

The next day, the Allies met at the top of the island.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I called you all here,” said England.

“I’m not,” said France.

“No,” said Russia.

“Not more damn meetings,” said America.

“Get on with it!” said China.

Canada said something too, but no one heard him.

“Gentlemen, _please,”_ snapped England. “In the wake of this chaos, I thought it might be _useful_ to have a way to call everyone to order. Behold!”

He held up a pink spiral shell. America gasped.

“Sweet! I saw this on TV once!” he said.

He grabbed the shell from England and held it close to his face.

“Magic Conch shell… can I have something to eat?” he asked.

“No,” said the shell.

America sighed.

“That’s not how it works,” England said, taking it back. “It’s a sort of conch signal, that you can hear across the island.”

He put his mouth to the end of the shell and puffed.

“You sound like my whale,” said America.

“England is _tres bien_ at blowing long, hard things,” said France fondly.

England threw the shell at France’s head. France caught it and threw it back, but England ducked and it hit Canada instead, who was standing behind him.

Dazed from the impact, Canada stumbled off the edge of a cliff and fell into the ocean along with the shell, never to be seen again. Dying the same way he lived…… unseen….

“I suppose that’s the end of my brilliant idea,” said England.

Russia glanced out over the cliff with a gleeful expression.

“We didn't need that silly shell anyway,” he said. “Only false followers answer the call of the shell.”

“Well, I don't follow anyone, so bleh,” said America. “The rest of you suck as leaders, especially Russia, so I’m appointing myself leader. Which ya’ll should have agreed to in the first place. C’mon England… and I guess France. Us _non-_ communist people have our own things to do. Like barbeques. That don’t involve you.”

“You are very rude, America, so I will have my own barbeque with China,” said Russia. “I will outdo your pathetic capitalist barbeque.”

“Kinda doubt it, big guy. You don’t even have a pig to cook.”

“Oh, _don’t_ I?”

“What the heck’s that supposed to mean?” said America, squinting at him.

Russia just giggled ominously, so America left, and walked into the jungle with England and France.

“Um, lads… speaking of barbeques,”  said England, as they hiked. “Is anyone watching that fire I told France to build earlier?”

France laughed. “Oh, _oui!”_

“Not _oui._ You’re down here, when you’re supposed to be watching the fire.”

“No, I meant, _oui,_ I _was_ watching it _,_ but I had to come down to your little meeting, so the fire went out.”

“Damn it.”

“No, wait. I smell smoke,” said America. “That jerk started his barbeque before mine!”

England squinted through a gap in the trees. From the edge of the jungle, smoke started to rise from the vegetation. Along with it rose a deep, maniacal chuckle, as icy as the depths of the Russian winter.

“That bloody bastard has set the jungle on fire,” said England. “He’s trying to barbecue us! Or rather, you, America. He _did_ imply you were the pig.”

America took out his gun and brandished it.

“I swear to god, if one more person calls me fat, I’m lighting up everyone on this island.”

“Now, America. There’s no need for violence. I was just paraphrasing what Russia said.”

“And it’s not like he’s _wrong,”_ said France.

America cocked the trigger. England slowly turned to face France.

“Now, was that necessary?”

“ _Oui._ I live for le drama.”

“And now you’ll _die_ for the drama, and bugger if you’re taking me down with you,” said England, turning around and running for the beach. Behind him, gunfire and maniacal American laughter rang through the trees.

\------

England ran right into a squadron of Japanese military, who were milling around the beach at the edge of the surf. At the head of them was Japan.

“Oh, thank heavens,” said England. “It’s been hours since I’ve spoken to a reasonable person. How do you do, Japan?”

Japan, however, was not as pleased to see him.

“This is a Japanese-occupied island, England-san. It is unwise for you to be here. I politely demand you leave.”

“It’s not as if I’m here of my own will,” said England. “That American idiot crashed our plane here, and I’ve been stuck with my ridiculous allies ever since. I know you’re an enemy, but help me out.”

“Allies…” said Japan. “Where are they now?”

England gestured at the swirling inferno in the jungle behind them.

Japan frowned.

“So, will you save me?” asked England. “Or take me to prison? Honestly, anything will be better than here.”

Japan said something in Japanese to his comrades. Then he turned back to England.

“I’m sorry, but I will have to decline,” he said.

“But… Japan…” said England.

Japan shook his head quickly and ran for his ship.

“Japan no! Don’t leave me here!” cried England, as the entire squadron ran aboard after Japan.

But Japan was already hauling anchor, leaving England to a terrible fate.

 


End file.
